Half a Year and 60 Outfits Later

My monkey boy is now a half a year old! My, how time flies! In that time he has learned how to smile, laugh, snuggle, grab EVERYTHING, eat from a spoon, and many more amazing and wonderful things. Marty and I have learned that he gets frustrated and cries, his diapers don't always hold, three outfits a day sometimes just isn't enough, Liam prefers showers, and just as many other wonderful things.

Mostly though, we have learned how to live with each other, we know how to make every day a fluid movement. We are so blessed to be close with one another, spend time with each person one on one. We tend to everyone's needs with effort and care... wait, I'm pretty sure I'm talking about just Marty and me here... Liam will learn over time how to do those things! He just soaks up the attention for now, which is perfectly fine with us!

Living with someone so dependant on you is really an eye opener. Need a shower? Negative, baby needs a bottle. Want to clean? What's cleaning? Need some alone time? HELLO!! That left the last night of your pregnancy!! And it's wonderful! All of the smelly, unclean, tiring moments that lead up to mile markers couldn't be better!

This is hands down the most rewarding thing anyone can do. And how blessed are we to be able to do it?

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With a Baby on My Hip!

For a long time I think there was this misconception that women, rather mothers, couldn't do things that the average baby-less woman could do. I think somewhere in the back of my head I have felt that way for a long time. As if I have an obligation to my family and only my family and heaven forbid something comes between them and their happiness!! It seems silly now and actually has urged me to be even more diligent and determined to do what I need to do to finish school (in the projected three and one half years) and finish with honors! I'm going to do what I need to do to graduate.

But, when does it get to a point that something has to give? Where in my life am I going to compromise if something unexpected comes up? I have been busy to the max the past few months but I have found time to nap with my little guy, paint a picture if I'm lucky, read a book or two, and just enjoy myself. Now that I will be going to school with no less than three classes on my plate per week, William is getting fatter bigger and more mobile, and Marty and I are still trying to figure out the swing of things with not only each other but with our life in general. Okay, I don't have much of a social life so that's not going to give anymore unless Marty doesn't want to see me anymore. We only see my in-laws one to two days a week so it's not like that's too big of a deal. I already don't shower... ooops, I mean, I already wait for Marty to get home to tend to myself. So what gives? Will I have anything left to give?

I'm confident that everything will work out the way that it needs to. But I tell you this, I just may disappear from there being nothing left of me to give if something detrimental happens in our little world ;) And I know that anything anyone else in this world can do, I can do with a baby on my hip.

MOMMIES OF THE WORLD... UNITE! Just kidding.

Caution: Balancing Act in Practice

My, how things change at the tip of a hat! It feels like the other day since I posted the last blog. I still haven't made it to our computer to write a proper piece, but all in due time... I hope! William is now over 20 pounds at 5 and a half months! He is growing and hasn't taken a break!

Let's see if I can even remember what has happened in our lives... oh, yeah! Marty and I are now married and officially stuck with each other! We visited Georgia and William and I were blessed to be able to stay for three weeks. It was supposed to be two and William and I flew up 5 days before Marty. I had been planning to drive back with him but we realized that a ten hour drive with Liam was not the best idea. So, we got a cheap flight back the next weekend.

I register for COLLEGE CLASSES in less than two weeks!! It is going to be hard, but I am so looking forward to it! I'll be sending William with daddy to the family store and going three days a week for four hours a day. In three and one half years I will be an RN. Too freaking cool!

William is so very close to crawling. He is right there! If he could figure out how to move his arms he would be off! He loves food. Marty likes to sneak him non baby food like bread and marshmallows... but it's okay ;)

Life has been wonderful, hectic, stressful, exciting, and just about every other adjective in the dictionary! I love it! When I get home, I'll write a "real" blog.

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When it craps, it pours!

Every mom has that defining moment where they know they're a mom. I'm not talking about when they get up in the middle of the night with a hungry baby, or changing a diaper every two to three hours, or cleaning spit up off of themselves. I'm talking about that borderline crisis moment, usually by themselves, that makes them laugh when any normal-hormoned woman would cry. I finally hit that point the other day. Will is going to be three months in a few days, and what better time to have my very own chaotic, messy, stinky, unbelievably ridiculous apitomy of a mommy moment.

I have been watching dogs every once in a while since I moved down here and just got a new client with the sweetest girl puppy named Sassy. I kept wanting to call her Sweetie because Sassy is a name I'd imagine a prudent poodle to be named. Anyways, William just got used to bouncing in his new bounce jumping gymborie whatever you want to call it. So, Sassy loves Will. She licks him, she snuggles him, she gets worried when he cries, it's adorable. Here is where it gets fun!

This part is going to make sense later: our landlord was over and changing our leaky faucet in the kitchen and ended up having to use a power saw on metal, let's just say it was not the most pleasant of noises. So half way through with a frowning, on the verge of crying baby and a very shaken puppy, I decided to take them upstairs. Sassy was quite reluctant and quite possibly scarred for the rest of her life in the two days she was here. She finally got upstairs and when the sawing was done, refused to come down. Little did I know, it's because she didn't know how to get back down after going up. Fast forward about 5 hours after I'd finally gotten her myself and carried her down.
Will is minding his business while jumping in his thingy-ma-jig and Sassy is licking at him and he keeps kicking his legs and she finally gives up and walks away. Monster starts crying and I go over and realize he pooped and a little got on the make-shift stand we put under him so his fat, stubby legs can reach something to give him a good bounce. No big deal, wasn't enough to cry home about. I decided this was the best time to give him his much needed bath.

My phone was about to die and while bathing Will I decided to leave it on the charger. I called Marty to let him know in case he called and I didn't answer. While in mid sentence, I look over to the sweet puppy to my left and as dread came over me, I quickly and incoherently yelled at Marty. Not sure why I yelled at him, but I'm pretty sure I got the urgency across to him as I hung up the phone. Reason being? WILL TOOK A BIG CRAP ON THE DOG'S FRIGGING HEAD! ON. HER. HEAD. How is that even possible?

I quickly put Will down while I chase after this hyped up puppy, praying she doesn't jump on the cream colored sheets on the guest bed (thank goodness she can't get on our bed) and she thinks I'm playing with her! She finally goes to our floor length blinds, trying to see outside, and I snatch her before she spreads e-coli all over my bedroom. Will is screaming at me to get this filth off him and I finally lock the dog in the bathroom with Will and me. I get the water running and get William undressed. Ugh. Crap all up his back, all up his front, all down his leg, painted down his feet, and let's not forget ON THE DOG'S HEAD. I get Will bathed and while he's stewing in the bath I get Sassy as best I can. I had my friend Tina coming over within the hour and I hadn't even showered myself. I get Will out, using a receiving blanket because in the midst of my mini crisis I didn't realize the towels were all randomly placed around the house. Of course, not one was in his room. I get his diaper on and walk over to get an outfit for him. On the way back, I step in mildly stale (meaning hard outside, soft inside) dog crap. Hence the story about Sassy being upstairs while the sink was being fixed. In hindsight, I should have used the opportunity to take William and Sassy for a nice walk.

I'd like to say I learned something here. But, the only thing to come of it was realizing one simple fact: I'm officially a mom. I have been initiated into motherhood with the most hectic 45 minutes of my life to tell to the world. And I couldn't be happier!

Happy 3 months, monster boy!

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Helpless

How do you help your child when their doctor doesn't even show concern in helping them?

As I lie here with William for our normal routine of screaming, crying, whimpering, and sleeping in what feels like an endless cycle, I can't help but be angry with his (old) pediatrician for our visit Friday where little, if not no concern was shown. My mom said it best. If you don't have a good support system, what do you have?

At first, my only concern about a doctor for Will was location, insurance, and comfort level. Now the only thing I care about is their level of concern for my child. If I bring my sickly child into your office, especially a newborn, you had damn well better be seeing what you can do for him. Not comment on why I'm no longer breast feeding or pumping. Quite frankly, it's none of your damn business! All you need to know is whether he's being fed properly. You also don't need to know if I snuggled him more than I let him cry. All you need to know is that he is well loved and not neglected. And you damn sure don't need to be telling me to (A) not feed him when he's hungry because it has only been two and a half hours and not three hours since his last feeding OR (B) just let him scream so I can teach him to not rely on me holding him for however long. If I choose to hold my child after I've let them fuss for a reasonable amount of time, it is NOT your place to tell me otherwise. Newborn babies do not know how to manipulate you. All they know how to do is cry until they are comforted. They do not cry to be held just to bug you. They do it because they don't know how to self soothe.

My point is this: if I trust you enough to care for my child, you had better show concern when I'm concerned. My choices for my family are none of your business. I'm not neglecting him, so back off!

Rant over.

P.s. We still aren't sure what Will is going through. We have a new pediatrician we see tomorrow. Wish us luck.

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Coming to terms

Now that I have this wonderful phone that my darling fiance got for me, I can do my blogs while sitting in bed with the monkey!

Okay, I have to admit how much of a pompous jerk I was talking about how exactly I was going to parent. No co-sleeping, strictly breast feeding, no pacifiers, blah, blah blah. I'm not saying that having ideas on how you want to parent is bad by any means. Just don't count on everything working out exactly how you plan. You may end up heart broken and deterred.

I was bound and determined to breast feed my baby. My mom breast fed all 7 of us so I can do one, right? Suuuure. Well, it started with the latch. Will just did not want to latch. So, they gave me a nipple shield which grabs more so he can get the milk. Then by the second night he was in this world he had gone from 9 lbs and 1 oz all the way to 8 lbs and 4 oz. My body just was not doing what he needed it to do. So, we started supplementing with formula. Something I swore I wouldn't do. Well, my baby was starving and had jaundice so since he wasn't eating enough, he wasn't pooping enough to help get rid of the bilirubin fast enough. Then I come home and said I would not sleep in the same bed as my baby. Did I mention that went out the window before we left the hospital? Oh, yeah. Marty and I ended up getting this mini crib thing for Will to sleep in in-between us. Then, he wasn't soothing well on his own so we caved and gave him a pacifier.

And then the ultimate fail. I stopped breast feeding after four very long and exhausting weeks. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually I just could not do it. Will wasn't satisfied with the milk he was getting from me in the amount of time it took to get it. I gave in and started pumping. Now, before you think I may not have stuck it out long enough, let me just tell you the one word that you need to know to try and understand the mental place I was driven to: resentment. It pains me so much to actually admit that I resented my newborn. I resented him for being hungry. I resented him for staying attached to me for hours on end. And I resented him for crying all of the time because he was needing something that my body was failing to provide.

This has been the most devastating of the multiple things that I have given into. It was the one thing that I had begged to have happen. And just like most everything else, it didn't happen. I' m pumping milk now, but I'm weaning off of that now, too.

Anyways, the point is, don't count on anything to work out the way you plan. Just hope that it does. And remember that if you do give in, it doesn't make you any less of a parent, it just makes your parenting a little different than even you expected. Just go with the flow. Don't drive yourself crazy with guilt and just take one situation at a time.

Will is doing fabulous. He is now over 5 weeks and is starting to show his personality. He smiles for his daddy and tends to be serious with mommy. I guess I should study daddy and monster together to see what he does that I don't. Anyways, we take pictures all the time and video when we get the chance. So, stay tuned for more updates!

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Hey! You're doing it wrong!

I have internal conflicts all the time. Most of them consist of whether or not I'll eat a piece of chocolate or the whole bar. I may even have a serious enough conflict that I can't decide if it's worth it to do the dishes or just wait till I've made a big enough mess that it's starting to look ridiculous. But, sometimes the even more serious of conflicts arise and those are the ones that I can't seem to make a decision on even after already making a decision. Are you lost yet? I think I am.

The dreaded topic of c-sections. Such a taboo conversation between both first time moms and non first time moms. Every person that you have said topic with seems to think they know what's best for you and what YOU should try to do first. If it were that easy, it wouldn't be an internal conflict, lady!

I have hip problems. Anyone who has known me long enough is aware of that and know that it's just gotten worse over the past few years. I was told a long time ago that based on how my left hip was that I may not ever give birth the way nature intended for me to. I thought I was okay with that, to me I wasn't thinking about kids anyways so what did I care, right? And then I got pregnant with precious snuggle bug. I realized as a soon-to-be-mom that it was actually far more important than I had originally thought. Now, most women would be quite excited if they knew they didn't have to shove a bowling ball out of their nether regions, and maybe I am a little glad for that. But, as most women will also tell you, it's part of what makes us such amazing creatures. We can grow life and bring that life into this world, all with our own bodies. Well, not me.

I told myself, my honey, and my doctor that if I had gone into labor by the 24th of January, I would try to give birth the way I was made to. Well, that and a little friend called an epidural. He's pretty cool, we've met once before. After leaving the doctor's office last Thursday, I told God that if he had intended for me to give birth vaginally and not through a c-section to please make my son ready by Monday. Rather, I should have said make me ready, but regardless. Well, Monday came and went. With Will estimated at a whopping 9 pounds by birth, I knew that my window of opportunity was closing, and quickly at that. It's gone now, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that someone else will be delivering my baby boy to us and not me birthing him into this world.

I know that it's not going to matter once he is here and he's still going to have a mommy who loves him. I know that it won't matter to him how he was born, he'll resent that down the road anyways. Being born to us, that is. But, for me this is a sad day. It's a reminder that my body just wasn't made to give birth without some kind of intervention. It's also a reminder that I will forever feel like my body has let me down. People can say over and over how it doesn't change me as a mom and how I shouldn't let it affect me too much mentally. It's a lot easier said than done. In a way, I guess I'm in mourning. I had this vision in my head of giving birth to my baby and holding him right after and introducing him to the world. That is now gone. Now, someone else will introduce him into the world. I won't get to hold and nurse him right away. I won't get to snuggle with him and comfort him when he's upset that he's left his oh-so warm bathtub of a home, and I won't get to look at his face right when he sees the world for the first time. There is a much different procedure when you have to have a major surgery in order to have your child. One that I was not looking forward to.

At least he'll have his daddy to snuggle by while mommy gets stitched up. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that Marty will be able to hold him and marvel at him, because I now feel that where I can't be there for Will, my darling will be able to be. In a way, I think he's gaining an experience out of this, even if I have to lose one. I'm actually really feeling better just thinking of that.

So, it's a sad day, but I'm happy that Marty gets to have his son to himself for a little while!