Tuesday, March 22, 2011


How do you help your child when their doctor doesn't even show concern in helping them?

As I lie here with William for our normal routine of screaming, crying, whimpering, and sleeping in what feels like an endless cycle, I can't help but be angry with his (old) pediatrician for our visit Friday where little, if not no concern was shown. My mom said it best. If you don't have a good support system, what do you have?

At first, my only concern about a doctor for Will was location, insurance, and comfort level. Now the only thing I care about is their level of concern for my child. If I bring my sickly child into your office, especially a newborn, you had damn well better be seeing what you can do for him. Not comment on why I'm no longer breast feeding or pumping. Quite frankly, it's none of your damn business! All you need to know is whether he's being fed properly. You also don't need to know if I snuggled him more than I let him cry. All you need to know is that he is well loved and not neglected. And you damn sure don't need to be telling me to (A) not feed him when he's hungry because it has only been two and a half hours and not three hours since his last feeding OR (B) just let him scream so I can teach him to not rely on me holding him for however long. If I choose to hold my child after I've let them fuss for a reasonable amount of time, it is NOT your place to tell me otherwise. Newborn babies do not know how to manipulate you. All they know how to do is cry until they are comforted. They do not cry to be held just to bug you. They do it because they don't know how to self soothe.

My point is this: if I trust you enough to care for my child, you had better show concern when I'm concerned. My choices for my family are none of your business. I'm not neglecting him, so back off!

Rant over.

P.s. We still aren't sure what Will is going through. We have a new pediatrician we see tomorrow. Wish us luck.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Coming to terms

Now that I have this wonderful phone that my darling fiance got for me, I can do my blogs while sitting in bed with the monkey!

Okay, I have to admit how much of a pompous jerk I was talking about how exactly I was going to parent. No co-sleeping, strictly breast feeding, no pacifiers, blah, blah blah. I'm not saying that having ideas on how you want to parent is bad by any means. Just don't count on everything working out exactly how you plan. You may end up heart broken and deterred.

I was bound and determined to breast feed my baby. My mom breast fed all 7 of us so I can do one, right? Suuuure. Well, it started with the latch. Will just did not want to latch. So, they gave me a nipple shield which grabs more so he can get the milk. Then by the second night he was in this world he had gone from 9 lbs and 1 oz all the way to 8 lbs and 4 oz. My body just was not doing what he needed it to do. So, we started supplementing with formula. Something I swore I wouldn't do. Well, my baby was starving and had jaundice so since he wasn't eating enough, he wasn't pooping enough to help get rid of the bilirubin fast enough. Then I come home and said I would not sleep in the same bed as my baby. Did I mention that went out the window before we left the hospital? Oh, yeah. Marty and I ended up getting this mini crib thing for Will to sleep in in-between us. Then, he wasn't soothing well on his own so we caved and gave him a pacifier.

And then the ultimate fail. I stopped breast feeding after four very long and exhausting weeks. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually I just could not do it. Will wasn't satisfied with the milk he was getting from me in the amount of time it took to get it. I gave in and started pumping. Now, before you think I may not have stuck it out long enough, let me just tell you the one word that you need to know to try and understand the mental place I was driven to: resentment. It pains me so much to actually admit that I resented my newborn. I resented him for being hungry. I resented him for staying attached to me for hours on end. And I resented him for crying all of the time because he was needing something that my body was failing to provide.

This has been the most devastating of the multiple things that I have given into. It was the one thing that I had begged to have happen. And just like most everything else, it didn't happen. I' m pumping milk now, but I'm weaning off of that now, too.

Anyways, the point is, don't count on anything to work out the way you plan. Just hope that it does. And remember that if you do give in, it doesn't make you any less of a parent, it just makes your parenting a little different than even you expected. Just go with the flow. Don't drive yourself crazy with guilt and just take one situation at a time.

Will is doing fabulous. He is now over 5 weeks and is starting to show his personality. He smiles for his daddy and tends to be serious with mommy. I guess I should study daddy and monster together to see what he does that I don't. Anyways, we take pictures all the time and video when we get the chance. So, stay tuned for more updates!
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