I have internal conflicts all the time. Most of them consist of whether or not I'll eat a piece of chocolate or the whole bar. I may even have a serious enough conflict that I can't decide if it's worth it to do the dishes or just wait till I've made a big enough mess that it's starting to look ridiculous. But, sometimes the even more serious of conflicts arise and those are the ones that I can't seem to make a decision on even after already making a decision. Are you lost yet? I think I am.
The dreaded topic of c-sections. Such a taboo conversation between both first time moms and non first time moms. Every person that you have said topic with seems to think they know what's best for you and what YOU should try to do first. If it were that easy, it wouldn't be an internal conflict, lady!
I have hip problems. Anyone who has known me long enough is aware of that and know that it's just gotten worse over the past few years. I was told a long time ago that based on how my left hip was that I may not ever give birth the way nature intended for me to. I thought I was okay with that, to me I wasn't thinking about kids anyways so what did I care, right? And then I got pregnant with precious snuggle bug. I realized as a soon-to-be-mom that it was actually far more important than I had originally thought. Now, most women would be quite excited if they knew they didn't have to shove a bowling ball out of their nether regions, and maybe I am a little glad for that. But, as most women will also tell you, it's part of what makes us such amazing creatures. We can grow life and bring that life into this world, all with our own bodies. Well, not me.
I told myself, my honey, and my doctor that if I had gone into labor by the 24th of January, I would try to give birth the way I was made to. Well, that and a little friend called an epidural. He's pretty cool, we've met once before. After leaving the doctor's office last Thursday, I told God that if he had intended for me to give birth vaginally and not through a c-section to please make my son ready by Monday. Rather, I should have said make me ready, but regardless. Well, Monday came and went. With Will estimated at a whopping 9 pounds by birth, I knew that my window of opportunity was closing, and quickly at that. It's gone now, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that someone else will be delivering my baby boy to us and not me birthing him into this world.
I know that it's not going to matter once he is here and he's still going to have a mommy who loves him. I know that it won't matter to him how he was born, he'll resent that down the road anyways. Being born to us, that is. But, for me this is a sad day. It's a reminder that my body just wasn't made to give birth without some kind of intervention. It's also a reminder that I will forever feel like my body has let me down. People can say over and over how it doesn't change me as a mom and how I shouldn't let it affect me too much mentally. It's a lot easier said than done. In a way, I guess I'm in mourning. I had this vision in my head of giving birth to my baby and holding him right after and introducing him to the world. That is now gone. Now, someone else will introduce him into the world. I won't get to hold and nurse him right away. I won't get to snuggle with him and comfort him when he's upset that he's left his oh-so warm bathtub of a home, and I won't get to look at his face right when he sees the world for the first time. There is a much different procedure when you have to have a major surgery in order to have your child. One that I was not looking forward to.
At least he'll have his daddy to snuggle by while mommy gets stitched up. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that Marty will be able to hold him and marvel at him, because I now feel that where I can't be there for Will, my darling will be able to be. In a way, I think he's gaining an experience out of this, even if I have to lose one. I'm actually really feeling better just thinking of that.
So, it's a sad day, but I'm happy that Marty gets to have his son to himself for a little while!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Friday, January 21, 2011
Great Expectations
Being a first time mom, I have all of these expectations for what I want my child to achieve and when. I know, how ignorant. But, I can't help but want to set these goals for him and honestly, I kind of expect that we'll be able to accomplish it together with work. After a rather heated debate on the birth board I'm a part of about bed wetting, I started to really think about the fact that my little snuggle bug might not be ready to be perfectly potty trained both day and night right off the bat. I'm not saying I expect him to never have accidents, but I don't want him in pull ups while he's in elementary school. I understand that some kids have medical problems and that hinders them from having accident free nights. But, I just have this expectation for my child that by 3, they won't need to have pull ups. The occasional accident is okay, I peed the bed once in a while after that too. If you dream you're peeing and your body doesn't wake up right away, you will eventually wake up from the warmth of your dream, er, pee.
That's just one thing I expect though. The others are things like: I want him walking at least a few steps here and there by the time he's one. I don't know if we can achieve that earlier, but if we can, awesome! Another is that I would like for him to be at least speaking a few words by the time he's 15 months. Even if they're not big words, but the basic 'mama', 'daddy', 'milk', and other words that he can use to communicate with us. And like I said, the earlier the better!!
So, I keep thinking of this. If we have such expectations for our children before they're even born, is that really healthy? Or are we possibly setting ourselves up for disappointment when we may not be able to achieve these goals with our children? When is it unhealthy to expect something for our babies that might not come so easily?
I'd like to think I'm not asking too much. I want to believe that I have already set standard goals that should be achievable in a timely manner.
Yuck, am I going to be THAT mom? Uh-oh...
That's just one thing I expect though. The others are things like: I want him walking at least a few steps here and there by the time he's one. I don't know if we can achieve that earlier, but if we can, awesome! Another is that I would like for him to be at least speaking a few words by the time he's 15 months. Even if they're not big words, but the basic 'mama', 'daddy', 'milk', and other words that he can use to communicate with us. And like I said, the earlier the better!!
So, I keep thinking of this. If we have such expectations for our children before they're even born, is that really healthy? Or are we possibly setting ourselves up for disappointment when we may not be able to achieve these goals with our children? When is it unhealthy to expect something for our babies that might not come so easily?
I'd like to think I'm not asking too much. I want to believe that I have already set standard goals that should be achievable in a timely manner.
Yuck, am I going to be THAT mom? Uh-oh...
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Prepare yourself now!
I saw this on the birth board I'm on at http://www.babycenter.com/ from a woman that took it from Facebook. It is very funny and I'm sure it holds true quite a bit of the time!! Enjoy!
11 Step Program for those thinking of Having Kids
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
11 Step Program for those thinking of Having Kids
Lesson 1
1. Go to the grocery store.
2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home.
4. Pick up the paper.
5. Read it for the last time.
Lesson 2
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline.
2. Lack of patience.
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.
4. Allowing their children to run wild.
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.
Lesson 3
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)
2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.
4. Set the alarm for 3AM.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.
7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.
Lesson 4
Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?
Lesson 5
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this - all morning.
Lesson 6
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.
Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Lesson 7
Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.
Lesson 8
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.
Lesson 9
Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you're thinking What's 'Noggin'?) Exactly the point.
Lesson 10
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Lesson 11
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Human Contact
Having gotten pregnant very quickly once I moved down to be with Marty, I wasn't able to really get established here as far as a job and friends go. Don't get me wrong, the only friend I need is Marty, so it's okay with me, but he can't hang out with me when I feel like I need to be around someone. He has a job to do and I totally understand that.
But, last night I had the oppertunity to finally talk to someone who was not only a female (yay!) but she was also pregnant and just hitting her third trimester (even bigger yay!!). We had been planning on going out with our friend Josh for a few weeks to watch the Ohio game (they won!) and I was honestly expecting it to just be me with a bunch of dudes. But, what else is new.
I can't even begin to tell you how much fun it was just to sit with another woman and also have something so big in common that it dominated our conversations. I hope she didn't mind that either, I wasn't really sure since the conversations themselves happened to just track back to pregnancy. I'll be sure to make up for it next time we run into each other and talk about the weather or politics or something...
My mom has been saying it for so long now that I've thought a lot about it, but it's truley important to have human contact when you're pregnant at home and even more so when the baby comes. Having a new baby is going to be tough and draining and hectic and beautiful and amazing and all these wonderful things that come with the territory, but what about the moms in other parts of their lives? Does every female know the importance of companionship, not with your significant other, but with other women in general? We need to have that friendship and relationship of another woman to make sure that we don't go crazy in our day to day tasks. I do have friends who I talk to all the time. Granted, two of the four are in my immediate family, but whatever!
But, really. It is going to be hard to find friends once Snuggle Bug gets here, but at first we'll be so busy with him and just swooning over how amazing he is that I don't think I'll mind at first. I know it'll be important to meet other moms and have play dates and dinners and what not; but, how do I go from not having any friends to trying to make friends with a whole new different common ground? I know enough about babies and toddlers to be comfortable for when Snuggle Bug arrives, but I know nothing about parenting itself. I know how I want to and I know what I'm determined to do. What will we talk about? When will we find the time? When is it appropriate to have a play date, even if it's just for the mommies?
And I thought being pregnant was enough to induce anxiety! Now I have to find friends too?!?
But, last night I had the oppertunity to finally talk to someone who was not only a female (yay!) but she was also pregnant and just hitting her third trimester (even bigger yay!!). We had been planning on going out with our friend Josh for a few weeks to watch the Ohio game (they won!) and I was honestly expecting it to just be me with a bunch of dudes. But, what else is new.
I can't even begin to tell you how much fun it was just to sit with another woman and also have something so big in common that it dominated our conversations. I hope she didn't mind that either, I wasn't really sure since the conversations themselves happened to just track back to pregnancy. I'll be sure to make up for it next time we run into each other and talk about the weather or politics or something...
My mom has been saying it for so long now that I've thought a lot about it, but it's truley important to have human contact when you're pregnant at home and even more so when the baby comes. Having a new baby is going to be tough and draining and hectic and beautiful and amazing and all these wonderful things that come with the territory, but what about the moms in other parts of their lives? Does every female know the importance of companionship, not with your significant other, but with other women in general? We need to have that friendship and relationship of another woman to make sure that we don't go crazy in our day to day tasks. I do have friends who I talk to all the time. Granted, two of the four are in my immediate family, but whatever!
But, really. It is going to be hard to find friends once Snuggle Bug gets here, but at first we'll be so busy with him and just swooning over how amazing he is that I don't think I'll mind at first. I know it'll be important to meet other moms and have play dates and dinners and what not; but, how do I go from not having any friends to trying to make friends with a whole new different common ground? I know enough about babies and toddlers to be comfortable for when Snuggle Bug arrives, but I know nothing about parenting itself. I know how I want to and I know what I'm determined to do. What will we talk about? When will we find the time? When is it appropriate to have a play date, even if it's just for the mommies?
And I thought being pregnant was enough to induce anxiety! Now I have to find friends too?!?
Monday, January 3, 2011
Already a mom
I had debated for a while now whether or not I would start a blog. I always figured no one would really read it other than family. I think I'm okay with that. I had wanted to blog about pregnancy and how its effects were so different because it was happening to me. By the way, it's not any different than any other poor, helpless pregnant woman. I decided I wouldn't do that because all people would get out of it was "Oh my gosh, I'm in pain" and that wouldn't be much of a blog, now would it?
So, instead, I'll travel through the first few weeks of motherhood and then onto the first few months, and then if I'm lucky enough to keep this blog around, the first few years. I wasn't going to start till Will was actually here, but that seemed silly since I was already a mom. Anyone who grows a human being inside their body is a mother right off the bat, I don't care what anyone says. We are going to push this thing out of us after it sucked everything we have dry, so I'm going to go ahead and dub my title to myself, thank you very much.
I guess ever since I got pregnant I've been so scared that it was going to be taken away from us. We got pregnant the first month I was living with my boyfriend and I thought to myself, "There is no way that it could be this easy." So, in some sick way, I've been waiting for something to go wrong. I've done a pretty good job of only letting a few instances freak me out enough to go to labor and delivery. But, silently, I've been dealing with this fear of: is my baby moving enough, will I see blood when I go to the bathroom this time, am I doing something to hurt my baby that I don't know about, is my body going to fail me and create this child only to give them a defect? All of these horrible questions, every minute of every day, just streaming through my mind. I guess we'll see later, but I have a feeling that it won't end after he's here. I'll find a whole slew of new and traumatizing fears to make me feel worried 24/7. I'm pretty sure my mom has said that the worrying never really ends, but you learn to deal with it.
I am a mom already because I give my child life even as he kicks the crap out of my ribs, hits my bladder when it's in his way, rips my hips apart, and makes my stomach look something like that Alien movie where that being rips itself out of Ripley. But, I'm okay with dealing with this. I've seen my sweet boy's face (gotta love technology) and every time I start feeling bad for myself (which seems to be quite often these last 5 weeks) I just look on my phone at the beautiful, chubby cheeks that my son already has. He looks like his daddy, thank goodness! I wouldn't have it any other way. I fell in love with that face and it only seems appropriate that my snuggle bug has the same features.
So, this is the first post as a soon-to-be (or already-am) mom to our first child. I can't wait to go through this journey and experience with anyone who will go through it with me.
So, instead, I'll travel through the first few weeks of motherhood and then onto the first few months, and then if I'm lucky enough to keep this blog around, the first few years. I wasn't going to start till Will was actually here, but that seemed silly since I was already a mom. Anyone who grows a human being inside their body is a mother right off the bat, I don't care what anyone says. We are going to push this thing out of us after it sucked everything we have dry, so I'm going to go ahead and dub my title to myself, thank you very much.
I guess ever since I got pregnant I've been so scared that it was going to be taken away from us. We got pregnant the first month I was living with my boyfriend and I thought to myself, "There is no way that it could be this easy." So, in some sick way, I've been waiting for something to go wrong. I've done a pretty good job of only letting a few instances freak me out enough to go to labor and delivery. But, silently, I've been dealing with this fear of: is my baby moving enough, will I see blood when I go to the bathroom this time, am I doing something to hurt my baby that I don't know about, is my body going to fail me and create this child only to give them a defect? All of these horrible questions, every minute of every day, just streaming through my mind. I guess we'll see later, but I have a feeling that it won't end after he's here. I'll find a whole slew of new and traumatizing fears to make me feel worried 24/7. I'm pretty sure my mom has said that the worrying never really ends, but you learn to deal with it.
I am a mom already because I give my child life even as he kicks the crap out of my ribs, hits my bladder when it's in his way, rips my hips apart, and makes my stomach look something like that Alien movie where that being rips itself out of Ripley. But, I'm okay with dealing with this. I've seen my sweet boy's face (gotta love technology) and every time I start feeling bad for myself (which seems to be quite often these last 5 weeks) I just look on my phone at the beautiful, chubby cheeks that my son already has. He looks like his daddy, thank goodness! I wouldn't have it any other way. I fell in love with that face and it only seems appropriate that my snuggle bug has the same features.
So, this is the first post as a soon-to-be (or already-am) mom to our first child. I can't wait to go through this journey and experience with anyone who will go through it with me.
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