Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Coming to terms

Now that I have this wonderful phone that my darling fiance got for me, I can do my blogs while sitting in bed with the monkey!

Okay, I have to admit how much of a pompous jerk I was talking about how exactly I was going to parent. No co-sleeping, strictly breast feeding, no pacifiers, blah, blah blah. I'm not saying that having ideas on how you want to parent is bad by any means. Just don't count on everything working out exactly how you plan. You may end up heart broken and deterred.

I was bound and determined to breast feed my baby. My mom breast fed all 7 of us so I can do one, right? Suuuure. Well, it started with the latch. Will just did not want to latch. So, they gave me a nipple shield which grabs more so he can get the milk. Then by the second night he was in this world he had gone from 9 lbs and 1 oz all the way to 8 lbs and 4 oz. My body just was not doing what he needed it to do. So, we started supplementing with formula. Something I swore I wouldn't do. Well, my baby was starving and had jaundice so since he wasn't eating enough, he wasn't pooping enough to help get rid of the bilirubin fast enough. Then I come home and said I would not sleep in the same bed as my baby. Did I mention that went out the window before we left the hospital? Oh, yeah. Marty and I ended up getting this mini crib thing for Will to sleep in in-between us. Then, he wasn't soothing well on his own so we caved and gave him a pacifier.

And then the ultimate fail. I stopped breast feeding after four very long and exhausting weeks. Mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually I just could not do it. Will wasn't satisfied with the milk he was getting from me in the amount of time it took to get it. I gave in and started pumping. Now, before you think I may not have stuck it out long enough, let me just tell you the one word that you need to know to try and understand the mental place I was driven to: resentment. It pains me so much to actually admit that I resented my newborn. I resented him for being hungry. I resented him for staying attached to me for hours on end. And I resented him for crying all of the time because he was needing something that my body was failing to provide.

This has been the most devastating of the multiple things that I have given into. It was the one thing that I had begged to have happen. And just like most everything else, it didn't happen. I' m pumping milk now, but I'm weaning off of that now, too.

Anyways, the point is, don't count on anything to work out the way you plan. Just hope that it does. And remember that if you do give in, it doesn't make you any less of a parent, it just makes your parenting a little different than even you expected. Just go with the flow. Don't drive yourself crazy with guilt and just take one situation at a time.

Will is doing fabulous. He is now over 5 weeks and is starting to show his personality. He smiles for his daddy and tends to be serious with mommy. I guess I should study daddy and monster together to see what he does that I don't. Anyways, we take pictures all the time and video when we get the chance. So, stay tuned for more updates!
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2 comments:

  1. Sweet sister, I love you so much and I think it's great at how honest you are being. You are doing what is right for you and your little man and I hope no one ever makes you feel any different.

    Carl

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  2. Followed the link on your Babycenter posts and wanted to say you're not alone! My son was hospitalized for his first ten days of life and, after spending the first seven pumping, I decided to go with formula....for exactly the same reason you named. I was beginning to resent my son and decided that it would be healthier for him--and me--if we didn't have that hanging over us!

    Self-care is equally as important as caring for Will!

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