I have internal conflicts all the time. Most of them consist of whether or not I'll eat a piece of chocolate or the whole bar. I may even have a serious enough conflict that I can't decide if it's worth it to do the dishes or just wait till I've made a big enough mess that it's starting to look ridiculous. But, sometimes the even more serious of conflicts arise and those are the ones that I can't seem to make a decision on even after already making a decision. Are you lost yet? I think I am.
The dreaded topic of c-sections. Such a taboo conversation between both first time moms and non first time moms. Every person that you have said topic with seems to think they know what's best for you and what YOU should try to do first. If it were that easy, it wouldn't be an internal conflict, lady!
I have hip problems. Anyone who has known me long enough is aware of that and know that it's just gotten worse over the past few years. I was told a long time ago that based on how my left hip was that I may not ever give birth the way nature intended for me to. I thought I was okay with that, to me I wasn't thinking about kids anyways so what did I care, right? And then I got pregnant with precious snuggle bug. I realized as a soon-to-be-mom that it was actually far more important than I had originally thought. Now, most women would be quite excited if they knew they didn't have to shove a bowling ball out of their nether regions, and maybe I am a little glad for that. But, as most women will also tell you, it's part of what makes us such amazing creatures. We can grow life and bring that life into this world, all with our own bodies. Well, not me.
I told myself, my honey, and my doctor that if I had gone into labor by the 24th of January, I would try to give birth the way I was made to. Well, that and a little friend called an epidural. He's pretty cool, we've met once before. After leaving the doctor's office last Thursday, I told God that if he had intended for me to give birth vaginally and not through a c-section to please make my son ready by Monday. Rather, I should have said make me ready, but regardless. Well, Monday came and went. With Will estimated at a whopping 9 pounds by birth, I knew that my window of opportunity was closing, and quickly at that. It's gone now, and I'm slowly coming to terms with the fact that someone else will be delivering my baby boy to us and not me birthing him into this world.
I know that it's not going to matter once he is here and he's still going to have a mommy who loves him. I know that it won't matter to him how he was born, he'll resent that down the road anyways. Being born to us, that is. But, for me this is a sad day. It's a reminder that my body just wasn't made to give birth without some kind of intervention. It's also a reminder that I will forever feel like my body has let me down. People can say over and over how it doesn't change me as a mom and how I shouldn't let it affect me too much mentally. It's a lot easier said than done. In a way, I guess I'm in mourning. I had this vision in my head of giving birth to my baby and holding him right after and introducing him to the world. That is now gone. Now, someone else will introduce him into the world. I won't get to hold and nurse him right away. I won't get to snuggle with him and comfort him when he's upset that he's left his oh-so warm bathtub of a home, and I won't get to look at his face right when he sees the world for the first time. There is a much different procedure when you have to have a major surgery in order to have your child. One that I was not looking forward to.
At least he'll have his daddy to snuggle by while mommy gets stitched up. I'm grateful for that. I'm grateful that Marty will be able to hold him and marvel at him, because I now feel that where I can't be there for Will, my darling will be able to be. In a way, I think he's gaining an experience out of this, even if I have to lose one. I'm actually really feeling better just thinking of that.
So, it's a sad day, but I'm happy that Marty gets to have his son to himself for a little while!
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