Monday, January 3, 2011

Already a mom

I had debated for a while now whether or not I would start a blog. I always figured no one would really read it other than family. I think I'm okay with that. I had wanted to blog about pregnancy and how its effects were so different because it was happening to me. By the way, it's not any different than any other poor, helpless pregnant woman. I decided I wouldn't do that because all people would get out of it was "Oh my gosh, I'm in pain" and that wouldn't be much of a blog, now would it?

So, instead, I'll travel through the first few weeks of motherhood and then onto the first few months, and then if I'm lucky enough to keep this blog around, the first few years. I wasn't going to start till Will was actually here, but that seemed silly since I was already a mom. Anyone who grows a human being inside their body is a mother right off the bat, I don't care what anyone says. We are going to push this thing out of us after it sucked everything we have dry, so I'm going to go ahead and dub my title to myself, thank you very much.

I guess ever since I got pregnant I've been so scared that it was going to be taken away from us. We got pregnant the first month I was living with my boyfriend and I thought to myself, "There is no way that it could be this easy." So, in some sick way, I've been waiting for something to go wrong. I've done a pretty good job of only letting a few instances freak me out enough to go to labor and delivery. But, silently, I've been dealing with this fear of: is my baby moving enough, will I see blood when I go to the bathroom this time, am I doing something to hurt my baby that I don't know about, is my body going to fail me and create this child only to give them a defect? All of these horrible questions, every minute of every day, just streaming through my mind. I guess we'll see later, but I have a feeling that it won't end after he's here. I'll find a whole slew of new and traumatizing fears to make me feel worried 24/7. I'm pretty sure my mom has said that the worrying never really ends, but you learn to deal with it.

I am a mom already because I give my child life even as he kicks the crap out of my ribs, hits my bladder when it's in his way, rips my hips apart, and makes my stomach look something like that Alien movie where that being rips itself out of Ripley. But, I'm okay with dealing with this. I've seen my sweet boy's face (gotta love technology) and every time I start feeling bad for myself (which seems to be quite often these last 5 weeks) I just look on my phone at the beautiful, chubby cheeks that my son already has. He looks like his daddy, thank goodness! I wouldn't have it any other way. I fell in love with that face and it only seems appropriate that my snuggle bug has the same features.

So, this is the first post as a soon-to-be (or already-am) mom to our first child. I can't wait to go through this journey and experience with anyone who will go through it with me.

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